Akatsuki No More
by RedSand
Summary: When the Akatsuki break up, what will become of the members? Sasodei, Kakuhidan, Kisaita, Zetobi, and perhaps the tiniest bit of Shikatema. Rated M to be safe. The name for a chapter is a warning of what it contains.
1. Chapter 1

**Sasori and Deidara left their room and went down the hallway to the Akatsuki's meeting room. Pein had called an emergency meeting that everyone had to be present for. They reached the room to see Pein, Konan, Itachi, and Kisame already there. After a few minutes Zetsu, Hidan, Kakuzu, and Tobi made their way in.**

"**Well good, now that we're all here I've got a bit of bad news..." Pein Said, tracking off, trying to stall. **

"**Due to lack of funds the Akatsuki is now officially broken up." He finished.**

**Everyone in the room gasped, mumbling about why it had broken up.**

"**Well why?!?" Sasori asked.**

"**Well because..." Pein said tracking off again, "We spent to much money on hair products and had to sell the sealing statue.**

**Suddenly a volley of death stares were thrown around the room. Kakuzu looked at Hidan's hair, as if it somehow greased itself back every day, Sasori looked at Deidara, his hair being one of the key reasons most people think he's a woman, Kisame looked at Itachi, as if I have to tell you why, and everyone else looked at Konan, as if she's a natural blue.**

"**Well I took the liberty of calling all your villages and you can all go home without going to prison. Except you Hidan, somehow your village got coated in chocolate pudding the day after you joined." Pein said, getting out of his chair.**

"**You've got ten minutes to pack, then you're outta here." He said, leaving.**

**Everyone mumbled, leaving the table to go pack.**

"**Where the fuck am I supposed to go?!?" Hidan asked Kakuzu.**

"**You could come to Taki with me." Kakuzu offered.**

"**Yeah fucking right! You'll probably charge me rent or something like fucking that!" Hidan screamed.**

"**Well I might charge you rent, but that doesn't necessarily mean you have to pay in money." Kakuzu said smiling, getting a smile back from Hidan.**

"**So..." Deidara said to Sasori, walking to their room, "Your village or mine?"**

"**Well, I'd rather go back to Suna if that's ok with you." Sasori said.**

"**Sure danna! It would just be weird though, being a Suna ninja and using earth jutsu and all." Deidara replied as the entered their room.**

"**Dei, do you really want to be a ninja? Cause if you don't you don't have to." Sasori said, pulling out all of his things.**

"**Really!? Thanks danna! But can you support both of us? And what if something happens to you?" Deidara asked packing up his clothes.**

"**Dei, I don't want to be a ninja anymore, I want to live my dreams and be a masseuse!" Sasori said sealing his random poisons into a scroll.**

"**Ohhh... Does that mean I get free massages?" Deidara asked innocently.**

"**Maybe. Maybe I'll charge you extra." Sasori said smiling.**

**Sasori walked Hiruko out of the closet and threw his extra clothes inside of his open compartment.**

**Sasori then crawled into Hiruko and closed the shell.**

"**Ready to go?" Sasori asked in the deeper Hiruko voice.**

**Deidara zipped up the duffle bag he was packing his clothes and nodded.**

"**Then we're off!" Sasori said, Slowly leaving the room.**

"**Hey danna, can I ride on Hiruko's back?" Deidara asked smiling.**

"**Umm... I guess Dei." Sasori said as Deidara jumped on.**

"**We're off to Suna!" Sasori yelled, starting the two's trek to the oh so sandy village.**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Authors note – **_**In this chapter we go through and see the Akatsuki in their villages, so we'll be jumping around a lot.**

**-----**

**Sasori sluggishly carried Deidara all the way to the big sandy gates. Once they finally reached them Deidara jumped off of Hiruko's back. Waiting at the gate for them was a Suna jonin.**

"**So you're Sasori and Deidara?" He asked.**

"**Yep!" Deidara replied.**

"**Then come on." The ninja said leading the two through the gate.**

**The two followed behind the jonin, with Deidara looking around the village confused.**

"**Danna, is everything made of sand?" A confused Deidara asked.**

"**Dei, did you see anything else to build with?" Sasori asked back.**

"**Well here's your building, You're in apartment b-2." The ninja said, walking away.**

**Sasori and Deidara traveled in the building and traveled up the stairs, reaching their apartment.**

**-----**

**Kakuzu and Hidan trudged through the woods until they saw it: a shallow little pond and a waterfall.**

"**We're here!" Kakuzu said, skipping over to the pond. "Coming Hidan?" He asked.**

"**Kuzu, that's a waterfall." Hidan said staring a Kakuzu.**

"**Silly Hidan, Taki's behind the waterfall!" He replied, skipping through the shallow water.**

**Hidan slowly approached his happy-go-lucky partner, noticing him take off his cloak.**

"**I could probably fetch a few bucks for his..." Kakuzu said, looking at the cloak. "Watcha gonna do with yours?" Kakuzu asked.**

"**I'm gonna wear it." Hidan said, "I don't have anything else on." He added, giving Kakuzu a seductive little smirk.**

"**Well then I'll just have to get it off of you." Kakuzu replied, winking at Hidan.**

**The two walked past the waterfall and went on into the village.**

"**My old place is still open, so we got a place to stay." Kakuzu said, stopping Hidan in front of the building.**

**-----**

"**So why are we going to Kiri?" Itachi asked his blue shark-like boyfriend.**

"**Because everyone in Konoha hates you my little weasel." Kisame said back.**

"**Oh yeah. Well don't they hate you too? I mean, you did try to take over the city." Said weasel replied**

"**Please, I'm like a blue Che ****Guevara****! They love me!" Kisame said throwing an arm around Itachi.**

"**Is everyone who tried to take over Kiri like that?" Itachi asked.**

"**Itachi, damn near everyone has tried to take over Kiri at some point or another. Hell, once we were attacked by three nuns..." Kisame said, sighing and looking down, "We never stood a chance."**

"**You're telling me the whole village was beaten by three nuns?" Itachi asked, confused.**

**Kisame sighed and started moving his hand down Itachi's back.**

"**Hold on there sharkums, lets wait until we're in Kiri first." Itachi said.**

**-----**

"**I wanna make this clear Tobi," Zetsu's dark half said, "I'm only taking you to Kusa with me so none of the other Akatsuki have to.**

"**And to see if you're any good in bed." His light half added.**

"**Really Zetsu?!?" Tobi frantically asked.**

"**The part about sex." His light half said.**

"**Thankies Zetsu!" Tobi said, running in circles around the plant man as they approached Kusagakure's gates.**

**There was an old man with a Kusa headband, but he appeared to be asleep in a rocking chair, holding a shotgun.**

"**Wake up Roy!" Both Zetsu's yelled waking the old man up.**

"**Huh? Zetsu? That you?" The old man asked.**

"**Yep Roy, it's us. This is my uke, Tobi." Zetsu said, pointing at the man behind the mask.**

"**Oh yeah, we got a call bout yall. Well go on in." He said pointing at the now open gates.**

"**Now come on Tobi, I wanna get some fucking in before tonight." Zetsu said grabbing the back of Tobi's collar and dragging him in.**

"**Right Zetsu! Tobi wants to be a good boy and get fucked!" He said, allowing the plant to drag him in.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Deidara was having the most happy of dreams, He and Sasori doing inappropriate things, when suddenly the alarm clock went off.**

"**Ehh... Danna, why do we have an alarm clock..." He said, reaching around to find the clock.**

"**Because I have to get up." Sasori said, rising out from the covers.**

"**What the hell for?" Deidara said, gradually growing very angry at the clock.**

"**Gaara the Kazekage said if I give him a good massage he'd let me have my own massage parlor! We could rake in some serious cash here Dei!" Sasori said, climbing out of bed to get dressed.**

**At this point Deidara was up, and pissed at that that alarm clock to the point at which his hand mouths were chewing it to pieces. After the alarm clocks ugly death Deidara looked over at Sasori, who was wearing the robe that most of the Suna citizens wore.**

"**Where'd you get the robe danna?" Deidara asked, getting out of bed.**

"**Oh this? It was just laying around. There was another one if you want it." Sasori said, robe on and walking towards the door.**

**Deidara yawned while nodding and walked over to get the robe. He grabbed it off of the dresser it was resting on, looking at it oddly.**

'**How do you get this thing on?' He wondered to himself. After a few seconds he just pulled it over his head, successfully getting it on.**

**Well Dei, I'm off!" Sasori said kissing Deidara on the cheek and walking out the bedroom door.**

**Deidara thought about going back to sleep, but figured since he was already dressed he'd do something. He walked out of the bedroom, walking around his new apartment looking for something to consume his time.**

**----- At the Kazekage's mansion -----**

"**So you're the one giving me a massage?" Gaara asked from behind his desk.**

"**Yes Mr. Kazekage." Sasori answered.**

**Sasori, not wanting to fuck up his chances, had brought all of his massage supplies including his table and assorted oils. Sasori didn't have much massage experience, only with Deidara and on occasion, when he was throwing a bitchy fit, Pein would get one.**

"**Well get undressed and we can start." Sasori said, unfolding the table.**

**Gaara walked into a back room while Sasori got all of is things in order. After a few minutes Gaara came out wearing nothing but a towel around his waist. He walked over and laid on the table. Sasori squeezed some of the oils from the bottle onto Gaara's back and started rubbing.**

"**And so Gaara said to at him in his office." Temari said to the ninja leading her down the hall.**

"**Did he say why?" The ninja asked.**

"**No, just something about someone new coming to the village." She replied.**

"**This is too troublesome, why am I here?" Shikamaru asked slouching down the hallway behind Temari.**

"**Because I said so, now shut up!" Temari growled at him.**

**Once they reached the door to Gaara's office, the ninja gave Temari the key and walked away. Temari opened the door, to see her brother, the strongest ninja in the village, laying on a table naked with the infamous Akasuna no Sasori standing over him. In an attempt to save Gaara from his would be masseuse, Temari pulled out her fan and hit Sasori over the head with it. Temari hit hard, hard enough to knock it off.**

"**Temari!" Gaara shouted, as Sasori's headless body fell over and knocked over the table He was laying on.**

**Well this was quite a sight: Temari standing with her fan, ready to smash Sasori's head, Sasori's head begging her not to, and Sasori's body crashed into a table with a now towel-less Gaara. Imagine how Shikamaru felt. **

"**Gaara! That's That Akatsuki guy Sasori! He's trying to kill you!" Temari yelled, preparing to smash the head.**

"**Temari! The Akatsuki broke up! Sasori and his boy friend live here now!" Gaara said, putting on his towel.**

"**Well why the fuck are you naked?!" Temari angrily asked as Sasori's head rolled itself away.**

"**It's called a fucking massage! Now get the fuck out!!!" Gaara screamed as Temari left. While at the exit, Temari gave a threatening look at Sasori's head, which managed to roll its way to the table.**

"**Here." Gaara said, picking up Sasori's head and putting it on his shoulders.**

**Sasori carefully put his head back on fully, moving it around to make sure it wasn't broken.**

"**Well, the little bit of a massage I did get was good, so you get he place." Gaara said, going over to his desk.**

"**This is the address." He said, handing him a piece of paper.**

"**Thank you sir!" Sasori said, taking the paper and walking out of the office.**

**While walking the sandy road back to his apartment Sasori had many happy thoughts, the chief of which being: 'Damn is Dei gonna get his brains fucked out tonight!'**


	4. Chapter 4

**Sasori burst through the door, happy as he could be.**

"**Dei! I got the place! Take off your pants!" He shouted, running upstairs.**

**Once he got upstairs, he noticed the floor of the bedroom was covered in Slim-Jim wrappers and empty bottles of... cheap sake no less? Deidara was asleep on the bed, probably a combination of drunkenness and some weird kind of jerky shock. Sasori crept over to the sleeping Dei, who was snoring very loudly, and sat down next to him.**

"**Well I guess that mean I gotta wait till morning huh? What did you do all day?" Sasori asked, poking Deidara in the side.**

**Suddenly, Sasori could hear an odd growling sound, and it felt like something was biting his arm. He looked down to reveal lefty, Deidara's left hand.**

"**Lefty? What's up?" He asked.**

**Lefty merely kept biting and using it's tongue to point. Sasori got the clue and picked Deidara up bridal style. Lefty continued to point until they reached the tall plant, which revealed a hidden camera.**

"**Thanks Lefty!" Sasori said, taking Deidara back to the bed and laying him down.**

**Sasori went on to take the footage from the camera and watch it on TV. Apparently Deidara did nothing more than drink, eat Slim Jims and turn the Slim Jim wrappers into various ties. Sasori looked worryingly at Deidara, but shrugged it off and went to sleep with him.**

**----- The next morning -----**

**Oddly enough, Deidara was first to wake up in the morning, and without a hangover! He looked over of that lovable puppet who answers to Sasori.**

"**Danna? Did you get the place?" Deidara asked, his turn now to poke in the side. Suddenly Sasori flipped over on top of him.**

"**Yep!" Sasori said smiling.**

**Deidara let out a squealing sound and wrapped his arms around Sasori's back. Sasori followed the action, the two of them laughing and holding each other now.**

**a/n – That may be it for Sasodei part, I'm gonna start writing the Kakuhidan part now!**


	5. Yaoi & Blood

**Kakuzu strolled through Taki, happy since he just got paid for a bounty he brought in. He was on his way home to count all of his monies, and more importantly Hidan was there. He made his way to the door, but for some reason it was locked.**

"**Him and those damned rituals..." Kakuzu said smiling under his ask.**

**Kakuzu unlocked the door, to see who else but Hidan standing in the middle of the living room, wearing the black kimono he (Kakuzu) bought him, stabbing himself with his scythe.**

"**Hey there Kuzu!" Hidan said, pulling the bloody scythe out of his stomach.**

"**Hidan guess what I got at work! You'll definitely love it!" Kakuzu said, reaching into his bag.**

**What Kakuzu pulled out, Hidan did definitely love. A bloody heart, that had the three lines like whatever village he from.**

"**Kuzu! I fucking love it!!!" Hidan screeched.**

"**Look what else I got...!" Kakuzu said, bringing in a cooler with blood leaking from the top.**

"**Kuzu... Is that what I fuckin' think it is?!?" Hidan asked excitedly.**

**Yes it i-is!" Kakuzu said singing, as he pulled out another heart and a liver from the cooler, "ORGAN FIGHT!!!" Kakuzu shouted, throwing the heart and pushing the cooler into the middle of the room.**

**The two laughed and through organs until the two were splattered in random peoples blood, crawling from behind the couches they were hiding behind. The two crawled over and held each other in each other's arms. The two stopped laughing for a moment, looked into each others eye's, and met each other in a kiss. Kakuzu started rubbing his tongue against Hidan's lips, begging for entrance. Hidan let out a small moan, but not of pleasure. He broke the kiss, getting a surprised look from Kakuzu.**

"**What's wrong?" Kakuzu asked worryingly.**

"**Can you sew me up first? Hidan asked, pointing at the self-inflicted hole in his abdomen.**

"**Oh yeah, sorry." Kakuzu said.**

**One of Kakuzu's threads escaped from his back and ran down to Hidan's stomach, sewing up the hole. Once he was finished, Hidan poked at the stitches for a second, then looked up at Kakuzu.**

"**Now where were we?" Kakuzu asked, placing his hand behind Hidan's head.**

**Before waiting for Hidan to answer, Kakuzu restarted the kiss. Not wanting to move his hands, he sent one of the threads from his back down to undo the sash of Hidan's kimono...**


	6. Yaoi

**Hidan smiled, rolling on his side and throwing an arm around his stitched up lover.**

"**So I can assume it was good for you too?" Kakuzu said, slipping his arm behind Hidan's head.**

"**Now Kuzu, when you assume you make an ass out of you and me." Hidan sarcastically said, running his hand through Kakuzu's hair.**

"**Well I do like making you an ass..." Kakuzu said, staring at the ceiling. **

**Of course Hidan immediately frowned, pulling his hand from Kakuzu's mussed up hair.**

"**What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!?" Hidan growled.**

"**Relax..." Kakuzu said, flipping over and kissing Hidan.**

**Hidan went from angry to horny as soon as Kakuzu flipped over on him. Of coarse he kissed back, even opening his mouth for Kakuzu's tongue. Kakuzu was a tad surprised at Hidan's transition, but eager to please. Eventually Kakuzu broke the kiss to breath, but once he caught his breath He looked into Hidan's eyes very seductively.**

"**You wanna fuck again?" Hidan asked, the answer so obvious someone of Tobi's intellect could figure it out.**

**Kakuzu leaned back in restarting the kiss, stroking his hand up and down Hidan's thigh. Kakuzu slowly felt himself growing hard again, when suddenly Hidan flipped him onto his back. Kakuzu gave Hidan a confused look, Hidan giving Kakuzu a seductive look back.**

"**I figured since we're gonna fuck you should be all the way hard right?" Hidan asked, slowly sliding down Kakuzu's chest.**

**And just as Hidan was about to begin, the worst thing possible happened: a knock at the door. Now when a man who could rip you're heart out and use it as his own, and a foul mouthed immortal are about to have sex, you should hope you're not the one knocking.**

"**MOTHER FUCKING DAMN IT!" Hidan screamed.**

"**Get dressed and stall whoever's down there, tell them I'm coming." Kakuzu said, getting out of bed and looking for his clothes.**

"**Dammit, Kakuzu I can't find my boxers!" Hidan said, looking under the bed.**

"**Hidan, you have your kimono, just free ball and wait for me." Kakuzu replied, grabbing his shirt off of the dresser.**

**Hidan followed Kakuzu's instruction, putting on his kimono and running downstairs to the door. He reached the door after a quick tumble down the stairs, and opened it to reveal the bounty guy Kakuzu works for. Of coarse bounty man looked at Hidan's blood stained kimono, and from the little bit of the living room he saw, it was covered in blood and organs.**

"**Am I interrupting something?" Bounty Man asked, a puzzled look on his face.**

'**How did he know we were having sex?' Hidan thought to himself.**

"**Uhh... No! Of coarse not! So what brings you to our neck of the woods?" Hidan asked with a large smile.**

**Should that of been anyone else, Hidan would just cut their stomach open and wash himself with the blood, but Kakuzu made him be nice to Bounty Man, since he was the one where the money came from.**

"**Um, I kinda need to talk with Kakuzu if that's ok..."Bounty Man said, leaning into the house to see more blood and organs.**

**----- In The Bedroom -----**

**Kakuzu had his shirt on now, but still had to find his boxers. After searching a bit, he found Hidan's boxers. He usually would rather have his heart cut out (and not just the extra ones) than wear anything that said, "The Blade Of Jashin" and had the Jashinist symbol over his groin, but drastic times call for drastic measures. After putting on his pants he ran downstairs, and met with Bounty Man. **

"**Well hey B.M.! What's up?" Kakuzu asked, putting is arm around Hidan's waist.**

**Bounty Man noticed how Kakuzu was covered in blood as well, and was above all confused.**

"**Really if I'm interrupting anything..." Bounty Man said, backing away slightly.**

**Hidan and Kakuzu merely looked at each other confusedly, but reassured him to stay.**

"**Well, anyway," Bounty Man said, pulling out a slip of paper and handing it to Kakuzu. "Here is the new list of open bounties.**

**Kakuzu took the list and he and Hidan were quick to shoo off Bounty Man and resume their previous sex having.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Itachi and Kisame walked up to the large gate, but no ordinary gate, for this one had Kiri behind it.**

"**Here she is Itachi!" Kisame said, walking up to the gate. "You coming or what?"**

"**Yeah Kissy!" Itachi said, taking his place next to Kisame.**

**The two walked through the gate, seeing the two Kiri nin sitting at a table, waiting for them.**

"**Holy shit!!! It's Blue Che!!!" One of the ninja shouted, standing up to go greet him.**

"**What I tell you?" Kisame whispered to Itachi, "Blue Che Guevara!"**

"**Mister Hoshigaki, please let me take you to the Mizukage!" The other ninja said, bowing.**

**The ninja escorted Kisame and Itachi all through Kiri, everyone knowing Kisame, talking about "El Azul Che Guevara". The ninja took them to the Mizukage's mansion, leaving to go tell all his friends about the historic event.**

"**Well, time for me to get back in the seven swordsmen!" Kisame said, dragging ol' Weasel behind him.**

"**Yo Mizukage, guess who's back?" Kisame said, walking into his office.**

**Kisame! You're back! Who's the uke?" The Mizukage said, happy to see him.**

"**How'd you know I was the uke?!?" Itachi angrily asked.**

"**Calm down Itachi, The Mizukage can sense ukes!" Kisame said, giggling at Itachi.**

"**So Kisame, you're here to get back in the seven swordsmen right?" The Mizukage asked.**

"**Yep! Me and Itachi need somewhere to stay, too." Kisame said.**

"**Ok! But you have to promise to never leave the village ever again." The Mizukage said, getting up to find them a place to live.**

"**Well then you have to promise to return my Johnny Pinkslip CDs!" Kisame snarled.**

"**Kisame, we went over this! I lent them to the Hokage, and he never gave them back!" Mizukage yelled.**

"**Yeah, well try and get them back." Kisame said, pouting.**

"**Ok. It turns out there's an open apartment near the edge of town, so you two can have it." Mizukage said, now waving the two out.**

**The two ex Akatsuki left the mansion two find a huge crowd yelling for Kisame. There were also the two ninja from earlier, one of them holding a megaphone. Kisame, wanting rid of the crowd, walked over and took the megaphone. He then turned to the crowd.**

"**VIVA LE KISAME!!!" Kisame screamed, raising his fist.**

**The crowd started applauding him, as he took Itachi's hand and dragged him near the crowd, before the two were picked up and carried off by it.**

"**Kissy, I think I could get used to Kiri!" Itachi yelled, so he could be heard over the crowd.**

"**I don't know," Kisame added, " I expected the crowd to be bigger!"**

**The two sat there, being carried away until they reached their new apartment, and their new life.**


	8. Chapter 8

"**Kisame!" Both Itachi and his less than average colored lover heard the Mizukage shout.**

"**What?! You got my Johnny Pinkslip?" Kisame yelled at the door.**

"**Well I got good news and bad news. The bad news is the Hokage I gave 'em to is dead, but the good news is the current one will give 'em back!" the Mizukage said with enthusiasm.**

"**Well damn, I guess it's off to Konoha!" Kisame said, getting up to get dressed.**

"**Kisame, is it really worth going to a city crawling with ninja that hate me, just to get back a couple of CDs?!?" Itachi asked, suspecting that Kisame had finally gone completely crazy.**

"**Well DUUUH! Kiri nin go after everything recklessly!" Kisame replied, "Now get dressed, or no sex for a week."**

**Itachi was in one of those "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situations. On one hand, he went to the village in which he slaughtered his clan, and would most likely be horribly beaten, though on the other hand, no more Kisame sex! So Itachi's mind was quickly made up.**

"**Well ok, I'll go get dressed..." Itachi said, walking off. (You know what they say about blue, shark-like guys!)**

**The two quickly dressed themselves and left for Konoha.**

"**So you promise if a mob comes after me, we can leave right?" Itachi asked, moments before reaching Konoha.**

"**Yes, but you have to start wearing more thongs." Kisame said, arms folded seriously.**

"**I'll wear nothing but a damned thong if we get out of this alive!" Itachi replied.**

**The two walked through the gate, Itachi unusually close to Kisame, for fear of mobs.**

"**You'll be fine, I'll just beat up anyone trying to kill you." Kisame said as the two approached the table where Kotetsu Hagane and Izumo Kamizuki sat.**

"**Hey, aren't you that Blue Che Guevara guy everyone's talking about?" Kotetsu asked.**

"**Why yes, yes I am. And this is my uke Ita..." Kisame said, realizing it's better not to use his real name. "Itako..." He said, using the first thing that came to mind.**

"**Itako?... Well anyway, the Mizukage already sent us a scroll saying why you're here, so you can go ahead and go meet with the Hokage." Izumo said, waving the two off.**

"**Well that was easy, Konoha nin are pretty damn gullible, hmm Ita...damn it...ko!" Kisame said, starting to forget his uke's new name.**

"**Not the brightest thing to say when you're surrounded by them, Kisame..." Itachi said, seeing the death glares already.**

"**Hmm... Well I guess my reputation hasn't spread as far as Konoha yet!" Kisame said, giggling.**

**The two walked through Konoha until they reached the Hokage's mansion, and then continued into her office.**

"**Ok, who the hell has my... ****You're**** the Hokage?!? Damn! Improvement over that last guy, right Ita...ko?" Kisame said, completely losing focus of the real reason he came to Konoha.**

"**I'm sorry Hokage-sama, but do you have Kisame's Johnny Pinkslip CDs?" Itachi asked politely, bowing so Tsunade couldn't see his face.**

"**Wait, those are you're Johnny Pinkslip CDs? But I'm not done listening to them yet!" Tsunade said, spinning her chair around so she couldn't be seen. **

"**Oh I don't think so!" Kisame said, tackling over her chair and pinning her on the ground. "Itachi! Grab the CDs and run!!!" Kisame yelled, struggling to keep the angered sannin down.**

**Itachi did as he was told, grabbing the two CDs off of her desk and making a break for the door. Itachi made it half way down the hallway before hearing Kisame screaming in a way that would worry Zetsu (Both black and white Zetsu.) Itachi quickly shook it off and ran, making it through Konoha in record speed before stopping on the road to Kiri to rest. Eventually a horribly beaten blue and red Che Guevara walked (more like limped) down the road, before collapsing. Itachi quickly ran over to him, flipping him to his back.**

"**Did... did you get the... the CDs?..." Kisame weakly said, a stream of blood pouring out of his mouth.**

"**Yeah but, Kissy what happened?!" Itachi frantically asked.**

"**The bitch with the huge rack kicked me in the jaw, and these damned pointy teeth bit into my upper lip! Then she just kinda beat on me for a while before tossing me out the window..." Kisame said, trailing off into unconsciousness.**

**Itachi giggled, picking up the beaten swordsman and carrying him down the road piggyback ride style.**

**a/n – Ok, we only have the Zettobi part left now.**


	9. Chapter 9

"_**Damn, Tobi is a good boy!"**_** Zetsu's dark half said, pulling Tobi closer to him.**

"**I think we tired him out." His Light half said, noticing Tobi's unusual quietness.**

"_**So the little bastards asleep? Good, I'm kinda hungry."**_** Dark Zetsu said, moving his hand behind his head.**

"**You're not eating Tobi." Light Zetsu said, a tad of irritation in his voice.**

"_**No, if I eat him then there's no one to fuck."**_** Dark Zetsu replied.**

"**Yeah, we caught a break with him. Hey, how are we supposed to eat with no dead bodies around?" Light Zetsu asked, a bit worried about his eating habits.**

**Of coarse, back in the Akatsuki, finding something to eat was never hard. If you think about it, Jashinist rituals, clay bombs all over the place, and Mangekyou Sharingan practice meant that the Akatsuki went through subordinates like people go through toothpicks.**

"_**What about Todd, you think he still has that job at the morgue?" **_**Dark Zetsu asked.**

"**Good question, lets sneak out and see." Light Zetsu said.**

**Zetsu quietly got out of bed and over to his dresser to see what he could find. He found that oh-so-familiar fishnet shirt just about every ninja wears, and a pair of pants.**

"_**You know, this would be a good chance to break in that trench coat we got, remember?" **_**Dark Zetsu said.**

"**Oh yeah, lets try it." Light Zetsu said.**

**Zetsu fished through the dresser for a moment, before finding said trench coat. He slipped it on, followed by a few quick hand signs resulting in his fly trap closing around him and slowly sinking into the ground.**

**Zetsu emerged outside of the Kusagakure morgue. When the dead were scarce in Kusa, Zetsu's clan was known to spend it's time around the morgue (crazy flytrap people have to eat to!)**

"**Here we are, lets hope Todd still works here." Light Zetsu said as the two, er, he walked in.**

"_**Hello! It's us!" **_**Dark Zetsu yelled, trying to distract himself from the multiple dead bodies around him.**

"**Zetsu, is that you? It's been forever!" A voice said, quickly revealing itself to be Todd, the guy Zetsu knows.**

"**Good! You do still work here!" Light Zetsu said, happy as a cannibalistic plantman who sleeps with someone who's mental state has been questioned.**

"**Yeah, not a lot's changed since you two left. So I'm guessing you're here to eat?" Todd said, smiling.**

"_**No, just pick some things up." **_**Dark Zetsu said, checking out a dead person.**

"**Ok, so did you talk to the daimyo about being ninjas again?" Todd asked, go over to grab some dead people for Zetsu.**

"**Uh... It didn't exactly, you know, **_**top the list..."**_** Light Zetsu said, dark Zetsu finishing for him.**

"**Ahh, I get it. Well make sure you do eventually. 'Coarse, Kusa never sees any action." Todd said, bringing out three body bags.**

"_**Right, Thanks Todd." **_**Dark Zetsu said, grabbing the bodies.**

**Zetsu walked out of the morgue, looking around Kusa for a second.**

"_**Let's walk, it's been forever since we've seen the place."**_** Dark Zetsu said.**

"**Yeah, besides, we can't make any hand signs." Light Zetsu added, as the plantman walked back home.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Zetsu walked back into his and Tobi's house, arms full of dead people to eat later.**

"**I can't believe that Greek place is still open!" Light Zetsu said.**

"_**Yeah, they had the best people. Maybe we should take Tobi?"**_** Dark Zetsu replied.**

"**Take Tobi where?" Tobi said, walking out from the other room.**

"**Ah, so you're up." Light Zetsu said. "Let us put this stuff away first."**

**Zetsu carried the body bags into the kitchen, stuffing them into a large freezer.**

"_**Anyway, we wanted to take you to this Greek restaurant."**_** Dark Zetsu said.**

"**They don't serve people, do they Zetsu-san?" Tobi asked.**

"**Actually, just about everywhere serves people, it's a little known fact about Kusa." Light Zetsu replied.**

"**Eeeww, that's weird Zetsu-san..." Tobi said.**

"_**Don't knock it 'till you try it Tobi."**_** Dark Zetsu said, chuckling.**

"**That's the same thing we said to him to get him to sleep with us remember?" Light Zetsu said back.**

"**Tobi remembers! Tobi's a good boy!" Tobi shouted, regaining his usual mental retardation.**

"_**I like Tobi better calm."**_** Dark Zetsu said, watching the moron behind the mask running around.**

"**I don't know, maybe if he puts up a little fight then doin' the nasty will be more exciting!" Light Zetsu said, tackling Tobi down.**

"**Tobi! Lose the pants! **_**We're horny!"**_** Both Zetsu's shouted at Tobi who obediently followed.**

"_**I really think if we tried, we could have had Deidara instead of Sasori."**_** Dark Zetsu said, watching Tobi remove his mask.**

"**I'd rather have Tobi, he doesn't complain half as much as Deidara, plus he does anything we say." Light Zetsu replied.**

"_**Point taken."**_** Dark Zetsu replied.**

**Soon Tobi finished undressing himself and Zetsu took him into the bedroom again.**

"_**Besides, Deidara probably doesn't get quiet after sex."**_** Dark Zetsu added as a final point.**


End file.
